Loving the Inner Critic
The most powerful and surprising shift move I know
Nobody likes their inner critic, right?
But what if it’s actually your resistance to the inner critic that fuels its wrath?
This past week, I got to witness a client do some courageous and loving work with an inner critic persona. The critic showed up in the form of a loud, angry, overpowering voice that was making fiercely mean attacks about the client’s lack of inherent worthiness.
Ouch! I mean, who wouldn’t have some resistance to that?
But wait until you see what a little more exploration revealed.
One of my favorite ways to engage with triggered parts of the personality — whether my own or those of the people who I coach — is to do a persona interview. It’s SO helpful, because it helps us see beyond the initial layer of however the persona was showing up in its triggered state. We get to understand the story behind the persona and its genuine motivations. We also get to give the persona the thing it really wants the most: the opportunity to feel seen, heard, understood and appreciated.
After my client and I interviewed the critic persona, it seemed like a completely different entity than before. Beneath the angry, shame-fueled attacker was a 4-year-old boy who had learned his harshness from watching my client’s parents. He believed this approach was the only way to keep my client safe, connected, and away from bad decisions.
The kid’s true desire was for my client to be loved, have a rich sense of community, and experience full aliveness. This little firecracker also revealed that underneath his harshness, he carried a hidden gift: the virtue of humility.
As we got to know the persona’s full story, I supported my client in offering him some heartfelt appreciation. My client recognized how important this persona had been in his life, and how many valuable qualities he brought to the table.
Slowly but surely, the critic persona softened. This opened the window for my client to convey to the persona the full impact that his harshness had on him, lovingly aligning with the persona on the level of intention while demonstrating the ineffectiveness of his outdated strategy.
He was then able to invite his inner critic persona into an entirely new form of relationship. Instead of fighting against each other like they had been for decades, they decided to begin working together as a team.
I’ve seen countless examples like this in my work as a coach.
Loving the inner critic can be super hard to do. We fear, understandably, that it would only make the attacks even worse. But every time I’ve seen someone genuinely open their heart to the hater inside, that fear fails to materialize.
Not only does the critic persona let go of their attacks, they often transform from inner enemy to inner ally. Of course, it takes dedicated practice to realize this shift in a durable and lasting way. But if we stick with it, we will get there.
More than anything, our inner critics want to be seen, appreciated, and understood. They relax and soften when they receive enough of our love and attention to feel safe. Then their full creativity and gifts really come online.
Pretty relatable, right?
If you feel ready for some exploration with your own inner critic, come check out the complimentary workshop I’m offering this Tuesday:
The Soul Awakening Workshop: Loving the Inner Critic
Tuesday, November 5
1:30-2:30pm MST // 12:30-1:30pm PST
This session will be highly experiential, so please come ready to fully engage and stay present for the duration of the hour.
Hope to see you there!
With love,
Brooks
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Dear Brooks,
Thank you for sharing your experience.
A pure reflection of your large-heartedness.
Bravo.
With admiration,
🙏